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Maybe you've just started dating a guy who is working through a divorce and you're wondering if he can love you the way he loved his ex. Maybe you're working through the divorce yourself and you're curious about how whether you're ready to get back out there. The intersection of a finalized divorce and a new relationship can be confusing and messy, but as cliché as it sounds, time really does heal all wounds here. You will become more comfortable with your situation, and you will learn to love again.[1] It can just take time, and that's okay. If you're curious about where to go from here, we've got your back.

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    Absolutely—life after a divorce can be full of more love than ever. A divorced man is likely going through a difficult and confusing time, but rest assured that it won't stay that way forever. Millions of people get divorced every year, and it's not like they go on to never love, date, or marry again. A divorced man can definitely love again, and there's no reason that a future relationship can't be a more productive, fulfilling, and meaningful than whatever they had with their ex—even if doesn't feel that way now.[2]

    • Four in ten marriages are actually a second marriage for at least one of the partners, and 20% of marriages are the second marriage for both partners. Not only is it common for people to remarry, it's the norm. There is no reason you can't learn to love again and find your Mr. or Ms. Right.[3]

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    Love may be easier to find the second time around. A man who has been married knows what it's like to love. They've experienced the highest highs and the lowest lows. They know what love looks and feels like. It's likely that he'll learn something from his marriage, and that can help him identify what he wants and needs in the future.[4]

    • A divorced guy will have a healthy understanding of where his boundaries are, what he wants out of a partner, and what he wants his future to look like.
    • If you're interested in dating someone who knows what they want, falling in love with a divorced man can be a blessing.

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    There's no reason he can't love you more than his ex. Being the first person to a man's heart doesn't necessarily mean anything. Their first marriage could have been a mistake. Maybe they got married too young, or too fast. If he does things differently with you, there's no reason he can't love you way more than he ever loves his ex. Remember, they broke up for a reason.[8]

    • Even if his first marriage was great when it was good, it ended. That alone should tell you everything you need to know. If you're together, focus on what you have now—not what he had in the past. It will all work out!

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    It's possible that his love for his ex will never go away, and that's okay. Even if he is no longer in love, he may still have some room in his heart for his ex. This is especially true if he has children, since he'll be co-parenting with his ex and it's ideal if the two of them have a healthy thing going. This doesn't mean that he can't (or doesn't) love you, and you shouldn't put too much stock in how he treats or interacts with his ex.[9]

    • It helps to remind yourself that he is choosing to be with you. If he wanted his ex back, he wouldn't be dating you in the first place.
    • Love isn't a competition, so try to not look at it like you've got to "win" over his ex. It can be hard to adopt that attitude towards a relationship, but it really will make things easier over time.

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    There are no hard and fast rules, but expect it to take about a year to heal. Getting used to the non-married life can take a while, and that's okay! If you're recently divorced, try to embrace your newfound freedom and take your time exploring what you want and how you feel without putting any pressure on yourself to love again.[10] While anyone can fall in love at any time, many therapists suggest that it takes about 1 year to sort through your feelings, recover your confidence, and establish the groundwork to fall in love again.[11]

    • Take the time to mourn. It's okay to feel like you've experienced a massive loss after a divorce, and that feeling can linger for a long time. You will heal.[12]
    • If it has been a few weeks or months and you actually feel totally ready, that's okay too! Every divorce is different.
    • How long the two of you were together matters here as well. If you were married for 20+ years, it can take a long time to find your footings. If it was under a year or two of marriage, you may be ready to date again after a month or two.

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    Take things super slow when it comes to new relationships. If your marriage ended recently, you may be tempted to find someone to replace that hole in your heart as soon as possible. While it's totally okay to date around, you may be better off taking things very slow in the long-term relationship department. Give yourself enough time to sort through the experience of your divorce and let your emotions settle.[13]

    • A divorce can feel like a car crash. It's messy, confusing, and you're probably walking away (understandably) hurt. Picture the next few months as a hospital stay.
    • Take care of yourself, go do things you enjoy, and surround yourself with loved ones. Once you've healed you can get back behind the wheel.[14]

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    Missing your spouse is a natural response to the fear of starting over. Your marriage probably wasn't all bad, and you may find yourself asking, "What if I never find anyone as good as my ex?" This fear can make the nostalgia for your ex feel comfortable and safe. It's totally normal to feel this way.[15] However, you should also know that this is an unrealistic fear—there is someone out there for you, and while it's okay to be a little scared by the prospect of dating, you shouldn't let that stop you from getting back out there.

    • These feelings of nostalgia typically linger for a few months. After 6 months or so, you should feel yourself getting past this feeling.

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    It's totally normal to miss the person who once meant the most. You got married in the first place because you were in love (or thought you were, at least). It's completely understandable and human for you to miss that feeling. It's okay to miss your ex, and you shouldn't beat yourself up over feeling that way.[16]

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    You'll know you're ready when the grief subsides. As unrealistic as it may sound, you won't be heartbroken forever. Once that overwhelming sense of loss dissipates, you're ready to go out and date again.[17] It's possible that you'll always carry some of that disappointment and sadness of your marriage with you, but so long as you feel ready to move on and you aren't inundated with grief, you can move on.[18]

    • There is no one-size-fits-all answer here. Some people process their grief in a few weeks. For others, it can take years.

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    You'll know it's time to date when you aren't angry anymore. A divorce can make you (reasonably) furious. Maybe you're mad at your ex for giving up too soon. Maybe you're mad at yourself for not doing something to prevent the divorce, or for making a mistake. Regardless, that anger can cloud your ability to engage with a new partner, and it's key to work through that and let go of it before you try to build something new.[19]

    • Seeing a therapist can really help when it comes to processing anger and frustration.[20]
    • Holding on to anger can make it difficult to start a new relationship. People don't just "reset" when they see someone new, and if you're angry at your ex or with yourself, it can impact your new relationship.

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References

  1. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.
  2. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/happiness-is-state-mind/201912/dating-after-divorce
  3. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.
  4. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/better-divorce/202104/how-heal-divorce
  5. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.
  6. ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/separation-and-divorce
  7. ↑ https://www.mhanational.org/separation-and-divorce
  8. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.
  9. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/how-long-does-typical-divorce-recovery-take
  10. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201105/feeling-hatred-is-normal-in-divorce
  11. ↑ Moshe Ratson, MFT, PCC. Marriage & Family Therapist. Expert Interview. 18 September 2019.
  12. ↑ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/contemplating-divorce/201004/how-long-does-typical-divorce-recovery-take

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